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this winter break is supposed to be a time of mental and physical rejuvenation but all i feel so far is saturated in misery.
it seems like stress and sadness are both stubborn things, at least to me.

All i want to do is escape these and wrap myself up in snow and christmas lights and the smell of pine and forget about everything terrible.

the following is blubbering/blabbering, therapeutic writing for my own needs
my eyes have been wet since i got home and im just wondering when theyre gonna spill over. many close encounters so far. birth control should come with a warning label specifically mentioning the exponential increase of crying that goes on, which for me is approx tenfold. and i hate crying.
ive had several anxiety attacks in the past few weeks. similar to the ones in june triggered socially and the ones in september triggered by stress, except now the cause is emotional.
without any great epiphany im warming up to an attitude adjustment, self-improvement themed.
i wish it could be more, self-fulfillment or maybe acceptance of others. i scroll through my facebook feed and wish i could 'dislike' everything because i have sour feelings for most people i know. i feel like im angry at inappropriate times. i push away people who care about me.
but now im promising myself to do my best to fix it (myself). treat the symptoms if not the underlying problem at least.

ps i dont wanna come off sounding like a puss. i totally thought panic attacks were fake until i experienced them and will probably still continue to question the genuine factor when i hear of others' in the future.

lol.

i love you guys.

tonight was great.

thanks for being my friends. i'm going to miss you all so much after school is over.

winter break is here for everyone but me and my GEOL 411 class. thank you professor kneupfer for ruining this week and piling on the assignments. just got my 15 page paper back. looks like i need to rewrite the entire thing. who knows how long that will take me to redo the research and rewrite everything. i didn't know it was as bad as it was. i'm also still finishing the last lab from his class. winter break, you are so close but so far away. seriously, i'm crying right now. this is the worst semester ever. i just want it all to be over so i can celebrate with everyone else.

This is the most stressful finals week I've ever had. I don't even have any finals left, but my professor decided to pile all this work on us the last week. So I have an impossible lab to complete, and a 15 page paper to revise that he STILL hasn't gotten back to me to revise. When I emailed him about it, he told me he was getting it done tonight (that was yesterday) but I still don't have it. I just want to be done. I want the stress to end.

Classic Meme...2009 in a Nutshell: Copy and paste the first line of the first entry from each month to make an entry that summarizes 2009!

today was so good of a yorktown day. why oh why do i have my period. i think im in over my head. its been a week, old lj. im so uninspired. here is an entire entry of me bitching about being sick. the pressures of the first entry of the month...bleh. last weekend was so cool because i went camping for the first time and it was wild! today the park manager informed me that i was to be a park ranger this season. i went to binghamton for a visit this week, it was AWESOME. hey you guys i just made up this rhyme: eating captain crunch, like maybe for lunch, or maybe for dinner, like when im a spinner. i miss you i miss you i miss you. not anyone in particular. ive just been saying that to everyone. british q: what is suave? american a: another word for sassy. dear tc, im sorry that i suck so bad. man that nutshell meme i do every year is supposed to be candid...except i do it every year so i am usually aware of my first entry of every month.


i havent been upset or angsty in the least lately (because i've been too distracted)
me and my apartmentmate threw her traditional holiday party this weekend. except we tweaked it a bit from her regular traditions: jello shots, a live band, and a guestlist 70 hipsters deep. not to mention the projector, our cat's tuxedo and our matching outfits. it couldnt have been more perfect. vicky is the best team i've ever been on.

currently im two finals down, two to go. i dont think i'll be able to handle 6 whole weeks at home so i may be moving back to binghamton early. its like a decision between shitty and shittier. i want to make an irish dance dress this break. first i need a sewing machine. i want to see my friends. i want to get stoned with my homies: despite my great appreciation for binghamton friends, people from yorktown are still my favorites to smoke with. i want to do fun/silly/adventurous things that will leave me with stories to tell.

when the new semester rolls in i want to get back in the game. not that i am/was ever one for boyscouting. or that i am really looking for anything/anyone in particular. but life is kind of funny...it seemed as though during this last relationship i had an average of one (extra) boy putting the moves on me per month. i know this isnt a grass is always greener situation aka a delusional exaggeration in my head, i could name names despite the degrees of undesirable or random they would be. however, since the breakup...nothing. probably because i've been hermitting/moping around this city lookin like an emo piece of crap. gotta shake that and get my groove back. whatever that groove may consist of because i've plum forgot.

Why is everyone so angry?

Sometimes I just want to tell people, even my teachers, just chill the fuck out. Everyone is stressed out this time of year. The least we could do to ease some tension is not to get mad at everyone who talks to you. Is it really necessary to yell or belittle someone when something was an accident?

I hate when people talk to me, or others in that condescending tone. You all know what tone I'm talking about. The tone of voice you use when you're trying to make someone feel stupid. I HATE that. Making people feel bad about themselves is a terrible thing to do.

I want to cry for people, or hug them or something.

Bitch, you can't quantify and compare the amount of facts we might have floating around in our brains, please don't pretend that you are smarter than me.

I'll just take the C. I'm not going to bother stressing over getting good grades anymore because I've stressed enough and it's just not worth it. I'd rather be happy and healthy with a C that won't even matter once I'm done with school than sick and stressed out trying to get an A or even a B for 2 classes just so I can feel good about my grades. I've done well so far, and I don't think my life would be worth living if I didn't have a good time. This work is impossible and I'm sick of trying to figure it out. I'm going to party tonight. I don't care. I'll take a C. As long as I pass. I don't care. I don't care. Just get me out of here. I want to go home. I don't fucking care. It's not worth the stress.

i seem to have no motivation to do my work. several assignments left and i'm sitting here procrastinating when i could be done and doing more important things like flirting with the guys next door.

GUH!